Look, sometimes food is just too big in its original state. In this day and age of science and technology, why spend hours and years with regular old knives of the past, when you can revolutionize your time in the kitchen with any of these new inventions designed to waste save your time and money?!

Knives have been cutting things just fine for centuries, but who cares? Forget “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it”. We subscribe to “if it’s not broke, we can do the same thing but with brighter colors and more equipment and may not as good but that’s never stopped us before!” now.

• Avocado Slicers: This wonder tool has two sides – one with multiple edges to turn one avocado into 5 slices of avocado, and on the other side, a single blade to do some other kind of slice and dicery. Could a knife do all this and still be dishwasher safe? Psh, yeah right!

 

• Banana Slicers: So follow me on this, a banana comes in a long tube shape. Let’s say you’re more of a bite sized pieces kind of person. How are you going to get all those pieces out of that long tube?? Look no further than the banana slicer. It’s yellow, like a banana and in one smush down, takes your ‘nanner from one piece too big to chew to 12 perfect chunks. I’d like to see a person take a knife and 4 seconds to do something as cool as that!

 

• Onion Holders: So you put your produce in this little onion-guitar, press down and the strings chop your onion into a FUN-ion. (Not the chip snack, just a sliced onion). It probably definitely works on the first try, definitely doesn’t ooze onion juice all over the counter and the tears that you’ll obviously still be crying will be of joy because where would you be without this onion holder? Your “Kitchen Crap” drawer would for sure have an easier time closing, but you’d have to chop your own onions and really, does anyone even know how to do that?

 

• Tomato-rator: Truly, why use one simple serrated edge when there’s a $20 option that will never be dry, or fully free of seeds after the first use? If I had a dollar for every time I needed a fucked up tomato slice that was made with good intention but poor execution due to made up machinery, I’d have…well, enough money to buy a few more tomatoes.

 

• Chicken Chopper: This patented blade attached to a small handle perfectly chops each piece of poultry into the perfect size for chewing with your chompers What? No, I’m not hiding the fact that this is a knife by using alliteration. It’s not a knife, it’s a patented blade attached to a small handle.  For your chompers. Who sent you here?